The phrase “Let Go and Let God” echoed all the way home.

One of the earliest lessons I learned when I began to attend AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and CR (Celebrate Recovery) was that Bill Wilson had it so correct when he penned those words on Page 64 which states; “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease….”
Webster’s Dictionary defines “Stem” as; the main body or stalk of a plant, originate in or be caused by, supportive or main section of something.
So, we can reasonably assume that if we find ourselves having resentments today we can also be confident that this will produce all forms of spiritual disease or as we often say in the recovery community; “character defects.”

I also learned early in my recovery that most of these resentments I found myself holding onto also began to enlarge themselves through time as I continued to stoke them through my anger and unforgiveness. I found myself at time when I did remember that occurrence I immediately allow my emotions to take me back to the initial time of that moment. However, I also learned that most of the time those “moments” were my own expectations of life never meeting up with reality. I convince myself as time moved on that my anger was justified and thus that emotion of anger I felt also provided me a sense of control over the hurt I was feeling. I was right and nothing anyone could tell me could convince me otherwise.
I then began to realize that the reason I drank WAS NOT because of the action of others, what they did or did not do towards me, but rather I drank because I liked the affect the alcohol produced in my body. That temporary moment of release of that anger of emotion provided me a sense of safety and control. It was at those moments of my alcohol consumption I found a false sense of peace knowing that no one could hurt me for when I drank, I also isolated in the comfort of that protection.
I also realized at that moment that nothing anyone does toward me can make me angry but rather it was my choice on how I would respond. My drinking provided me a reason to protect my anger and I was in charge. It was also at those moments that I would replay in my mind an emotional dialogue with my accusers and I discovered something very interesting, I won most of the arguments I was having within myself.

“From it stems all form of spiritual disease….”
• Resentment allowed me to justify my drinking
• Resentment allowed me to accuse others and ignore my own character defects
• Resentments provided no stability in my life as I was a doubleminded person and unstable in all my ways.
• Resentment caused me to lose sleep and robbed me of a peace.
• Resentments destroyed my friendships and any relationships I sought after
• Resentments wore me down and destroy my prayer & meditation time with my Higher Power Jesus Christ
• Resentments convinced me that I was right and therefore any submission of humility or forgiveness was nonexistent.

“From it stems all form of spiritual disease….”

I had alienated my Higher Power and thus this resentment diminished by faith. But not only faith in my Higher Power but faith in myself as well as others, I trusted no one.
Even though I was attending recovery meetings I found myself still drinking and I guess not only my sponsor was aware of that but others which I was always met with the comment of “keep coming back.” So, I did so it happened for me on a Sunday Night in the basement of the Providence Hospital when the guest speaker a big biker dude with many years of recovery said what I had said many times before behind a pulpit on a Sunday. He said; “Nothing happens in God’s world by accident. Whether its people, places or things God places them in our life for a reason.”
I sat there in silence, but tears began to swell in my eyes and I immediately bowed my head thinking no one would see. I tried to wipe away the drops from my face only to feel a hand on my shoulder patting me as to almost say to me it was ok.

As soon as the meeting was over I made a quick exit to the elevator only to be met on the main level my sponsor as the doors opened. (He took the stairs) We walked outside together, and he asked me what I thought of the meeting. I turned to him and said; “Since I was 17 I thought I was trusting and serving God. I thought I was a man of faith striving to do his will in my life but for the first time in my life I realize tonight that I truly DO NOT TRUST GOD. If I did, then nothing that happens whether through man’s reactions or not should cause me to react in anger, resentment and hurt. It was I that was spiritually sick not the person who I thought was hurting me because he or she did not meet my preconceived expectations.
The phrase “Let Go and Let God” echoed all the way home.

If you desire to live a life out from the grip of addiction, then I encourage you this day to give us a call at FFR. We have an amazing group of recovery coaches that have once been there where you are at now. We often say here at FFR this phrase; “When your addiction says give up, HOPE whispers, Give It One More Try.”